The common cold wasn't on the list of illnesses

I have a cough/cold thing. You will be pleased to know it has moved from that phase where you just feel unwell (and there are few symptoms that would differentiate it from a hang-over) to the rather satisfying phase where you are coughing with 'a phlegm rattle' in your throat.

I can't just blame the inconsistent weather for my illness. I must admit that Sandra lulled me into a sense of security with her sunny bursts and spring blossom days (before turning to rain and clouds and bleh). But I really blame the city. If New York is the ''city so nice they named it twice," then London is "the centre of influenza." London is a heady brew of millions of people crammed into underground trains and walkways - coughing into their hands (that are then wiped onto handrails) and ill-ventilated air-space. Oh, it's pleasant.

So I took a day off to get better. When I got back to work I needed to fill out my time sheet. Fine. It had a section about why I was sick "please choose the illness from the attached list". Sure. .... Guess how many possible illnesses there were ...Go on ... think of a reasonable number. I thought 15. How many (did you guess)? Not many? If any? .... six hundred and fifteen - from Abdominal Hernia (as opposed to Abdominal Operation, Abdominal Pain or Acne) to Whooping Cough (not Warts or Vertigo ... there are different types of vomiting for god's sake). There are literally 13 varieties of cancer - and this excludes the 14th catch-all "Cancer" which is on there as well. Don't you think that maybe "Assault" might be a bit vague (to me it implies you were unable to come to work due to the fact you were assaulting; otherwise you would be suffering from at least one of "Arm Injury," "Bruising," "Head Injury" etc).

Even if it was the reason you weren't at work yesterday, is anyone actually going to remember to put down Amnesia?

Do they really need to know if someone had an Abortion? Do I need to admit I suffer Alcoholism? These are rhetorical questions, don't answer that last one. Why is Affective Psychosis on the list, but I can't have "effective psychosis"? For the love of god what is Anal Fistula (and before you look it up think about whether you want that on your Google-search record). These are only a portion of the A-section (AIDS, by the way, is on the list).

I chose "hormonal imbalance" and under symptoms wrote "general lack of balance." I love the fact that I might make a footnote in the annual report. ... Oh yeah, sticking it to the man.